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Did you do this to get the attention of the doctors so they would take your tendonitis more seriously?

She is assuming because I've been trapped in the house because of my wrist and it was taking so long to get things fixed this is the reason I self harm. Oh man, it has destroyed me. Obviously everything else that led up to it was stuff anyone should have been able to cope with. No mum just no.

All the confidence I was building is gone. I freaked out about leaving the house today and not looking nice enough. I had to get her to come and tell me I looked okay. And then I could barely manage an hour around town. I felt fat and anxious the whole way. I got home and slept. Slept when she visited later.

Right now I want to sleep and give up.

It was going so well. I had finished a book and a tdl. All I want to do is carve myself and wake up from the feelings.
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The Down

Lifeline call me every day to check in and see how I feeling. This is something I am used to and generally don't mind it. Now I gave them a heads up that on Friday night, I was going to try and go out with a friend and would be in late. You would think this was all well and good, right? Wrong. They made one phone call and then phoned my parents. It fucking freaked the hell out of them. They started to worry something had happened. It was a solid hour before I was out of the cinema and found out what happened. I hate that I've caused them this distress. I had to lie about how bad things were because mum was in tears on the phone. Which they will dislike because they want me to be honest but I have to protect them a little.

The Ups

My tablets changed! I swear to fuck it is a relief to come off the citalopram. I truly believe it did nothing but make me feel worse. Now I am on 37.5 of Venoflaxine and 15 of the diazepam (ie 3 tablets a day of five). So far I feel nothing but a calm. And best of all, I am getting a little more done.

On the same day mum treated me to a facial and a manicure. A facial a day could usually be a cure to all anxiety everywhere. I felt so relaxed after it! And I have pretty accent nail that makes me grin.

Also, the ipad mini arrived. I should feel bad. But man is it pretty. I am going to try and sell the kindle on gumtree for funds for a light for my bedroom!

I made it out the door to meet a friend. Of course I nearly cancelled 7 times and thought of many ways it could go wrong. To say I was exhausted after is a mild understatement. I had to talk so much and really I wasn't worth listening to. Nothing I had to say was really of any interest. I am not involved in much and who really wants to hear about my problems?

I set out to cook a three course meal. Well I only achieved one course - Duck le Orange wih roast parsnips and potatoes. And you know what? It doesn't matter that I failed on the other courses or the food was a little cold. I did a damn fine job. When I got anxious I kept going. I broke everything down and I did it.

I am beginning to see if I keep going in baby steps and tick small things off, I might be getting somewhere?

Like the ipad mini was sorted in 10 mins because I wrote out what I needed to do and just went down the list. I am so pleased with myself today. I am still working through the washing up and putting things away. But then I am doing a few at a time. It is working!

Also I feel like my mood is levelled out on to a flat plane. Things aren't brilliant but they are no worse either!
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Well it was about as scary as hell got for Percy and Annabeth. It was like going through a river of fear. Sunday morning, I called my mum at 4am in tears and got her to come and pick me up. For ten minutes I was just apologising over and over for cutting. I got all the hugs in the world. Things have been a little better since then.

I didn't realise I was so worried about losing the flat because I couldn't take care of myself. Now I know that won't happen I feel like there is one huge weigh off my shoulders and I am able to focus a little clearer.

They are finally beginning to understand why I do things in small doses. Mum said she knew something was wrong. I think she feels relieved now too. She's listening rather than criticising and it isn't pushing me past my limits which is a major relief.

Dad lmao, who generally hates gays came out and said he'd love me to find a guy or a girl so I would have someone to make me happy. I They don't know I am bi, but heck this is a massive step forward for him!

My ipad mini arrives tomorrow. My other ipad contract runs out in March, so it will be cancelled and leave mum with a free ipad so I pleased. And I will have something I can carry around. Maybe I can put little quotes and stuff on it to remind me things are okay?
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The sticky notes app on my laptop is helping! I have a list I can tick off. And I've found a way to make it manageable for myself. Instead of writing 'shred things', I list how many I want to do. Like 10 items. Two chapters of a book etc.

Of course lmao it's taken 24 hours and a nap but I feel some small accomplishment. I want to keep building on it. I hope I can because this sense of relief is awesome.

I don't have any spare energy to dance around the room or jump on the bed. It is enough I am sitting here and feeling calm.
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Today started off with me being an idiot. I was impatient with my parents while they were changing and sorting out the shelf. Ugh it is so hard to connect with people. Lesson learned again, diazepam for the acute anxiety helps. Later I went with mum into town after I had one and viola I bought a teapot and tea.

Of course I feel like I am going back on the spending to make myself feel better thing. I got Harry Potter Tea which really is epic. But it was money. And I keep looking at amazon every day at least twice looking or something to treat myself to. So spending to make myself feel better is back. Should I take it as a good sign I am lifting my head and looking at my old coping methods? Probably not because I want to do better than that.

I've put a post it note app on my laptop so I can put up tdls. Of course I've gone and made it too long and I am itchy and panicky over how much I have to do! /face palms. I am idiot.

Also mum reminded me about the need to diet thanks mum.

Tonight everything feels too much again. It's my own damn fault I think. Why does anyone put up with me? I can't. I can't even enjoy a Return of the King watch along with Miranda because I have to keep texting and it's effort and ....

I am nearly crying.

Do I drink like I eem to do every night or do I try one more diazepam?

Writing this I think I should try the diazepam first. It is the healthier option I guess.

Yes. I will try it.

And not cut myself.

Or get the wine.


A girl can hope and try.

It's my decision.

I need to be smart.
artisans: (Default)
I have tried to explain to my parents that I like at least one hours notice before I have company or have to go somewhere. It's been explained to them that I need the time to get ready. Of course they think its physical but it's more of a mental thing. I get so anxious if I am rushed. I don't have time to plan to think about what I want to say or have time to get the house into shape for their standards. I can feel the anxiety building up just thinking about it.

Today they tried to give me a thirty minute warning. I could only get extended it to forty minutes. my views on what I want are not taken into consideration because they are doing me a favour. I took a diazepam 2mg which was my only saviour considering I yelled at my parents tonight for planning times for me for tomorrow.

I hate this, I hate my own anger.

I had to call back and talk about something meaninglesss so I know they feel better. But I don't. I just want to cry.

What I feel seems to be meaningless to anyone who isn't a professional and I've put off talking to them this week apart from lifeline because I don't know what to say to them. I don't feel any better. I feel sick in myself. It's something I don't have a clue how to fix and even small steps are killing me.
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I've two dw journals already. They are, as far as my memory goes, full of happy, positive thoughts. There maybe one or two negative posts. I am too scared to go back and read them to find out. Who I was then and who I am now are two very different people. What if I can never be that girl again and remained locked in this bubble of self doubt and pain.

For months now, I've drunk alcohol and cut myself to stay alive. Some people may see them as a slow death. They give me a buzz and something to look forward to. Which....after the last weekend I need. Twice I tried to kill myself. This week I've just felt numb. I still don't know how much longer I can last. I am trying to find small things to hold on to like putting up shelves or watching a film with a friend. But so many tasks just seem...impossible and so far out of reach.

Like this journal. It's taken me a week to start and I am supposed to try and put something in it every day? I'd love to say I am going to try but hah it already feels like an impossible, unending task.


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