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Did you do this to get the attention of the doctors so they would take your tendonitis more seriously?


She is assuming because I've been trapped in the house because of my wrist and it was taking so long to get things fixed this is the reason I self harm. Oh man, it has destroyed me. Obviously everything else that led up to it was stuff anyone should have been able to cope with. No mum just no.

All the confidence I was building is gone. I freaked out about leaving the house today and not looking nice enough. I had to get her to come and tell me I looked okay. And then I could barely manage an hour around town. I felt fat and anxious the whole way. I got home and slept. Slept when she visited later.

Right now I want to sleep and give up.

It was going so well. I had finished a book and a tdl. All I want to do is carve myself and wake up from the feelings.
artisans: (Default)
Well it was about as scary as hell got for Percy and Annabeth. It was like going through a river of fear. Sunday morning, I called my mum at 4am in tears and got her to come and pick me up. For ten minutes I was just apologising over and over for cutting. I got all the hugs in the world. Things have been a little better since then.

I didn't realise I was so worried about losing the flat because I couldn't take care of myself. Now I know that won't happen I feel like there is one huge weigh off my shoulders and I am able to focus a little clearer.

They are finally beginning to understand why I do things in small doses. Mum said she knew something was wrong. I think she feels relieved now too. She's listening rather than criticising and it isn't pushing me past my limits which is a major relief.

Dad lmao, who generally hates gays came out and said he'd love me to find a guy or a girl so I would have someone to make me happy. I just....wow. They don't know I am bi, but heck this is a massive step forward for him!

My ipad mini arrives tomorrow. My other ipad contract runs out in March, so it will be cancelled and leave mum with a free ipad so I pleased. And I will have something I can carry around. Maybe I can put little quotes and stuff on it to remind me things are okay?
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I've two dw journals already. They are, as far as my memory goes, full of happy, positive thoughts. There maybe one or two negative posts. I am too scared to go back and read them to find out. Who I was then and who I am now are two very different people. What if I can never be that girl again and remained locked in this bubble of self doubt and pain.

For months now, I've drunk alcohol and cut myself to stay alive. Some people may see them as a slow death. They give me a buzz and something to look forward to. Which....after the last weekend I need. Twice I tried to kill myself. This week I've just felt numb. I still don't know how much longer I can last. I am trying to find small things to hold on to like putting up shelves or watching a film with a friend. But so many tasks just seem...impossible and so far out of reach.

Like this journal. It's taken me a week to start and I am supposed to try and put something in it every day? I'd love to say I am going to try but hah it already feels like an impossible, unending task.

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Lauren

January 2014

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