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The Down

Lifeline call me every day to check in and see how I feeling. This is something I am used to and generally don't mind it. Now I gave them a heads up that on Friday night, I was going to try and go out with a friend and would be in late. You would think this was all well and good, right? Wrong. They made one phone call and then phoned my parents. It fucking freaked the hell out of them. They started to worry something had happened. It was a solid hour before I was out of the cinema and found out what happened. I hate that I've caused them this distress. I had to lie about how bad things were because mum was in tears on the phone. Which they will dislike because they want me to be honest but I have to protect them a little.

The Ups

Thursday
My tablets changed! I swear to fuck it is a relief to come off the citalopram. I truly believe it did nothing but make me feel worse. Now I am on 37.5 of Venoflaxine and 15 of the diazepam (ie 3 tablets a day of five). So far I feel nothing but a calm. And best of all, I am getting a little more done.

On the same day mum treated me to a facial and a manicure. A facial a day could usually be a cure to all anxiety everywhere. I felt so relaxed after it! And I have pretty accent nail that makes me grin.

Also, the ipad mini arrived. I should feel bad. But man is it pretty. I am going to try and sell the kindle on gumtree for funds for a light for my bedroom!

Friday
I made it out the door to meet a friend. Of course I nearly cancelled 7 times and thought of many ways it could go wrong. To say I was exhausted after is a mild understatement. I had to talk so much and really I wasn't worth listening to. Nothing I had to say was really of any interest. I am not involved in much and who really wants to hear about my problems?

Saturday
I set out to cook a three course meal. Well I only achieved one course - Duck le Orange wih roast parsnips and potatoes. And you know what? It doesn't matter that I failed on the other courses or the food was a little cold. I did a damn fine job. When I got anxious I kept going. I broke everything down and I did it.

I am beginning to see if I keep going in baby steps and tick small things off, I might be getting somewhere?

Like the ipad mini was sorted in 10 mins because I wrote out what I needed to do and just went down the list. I am so pleased with myself today. I am still working through the washing up and putting things away. But then I am doing a few at a time. It is working!

Also I feel like my mood is levelled out on to a flat plane. Things aren't brilliant but they are no worse either!

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Lauren

January 2014

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